WWE’s Crown Jewel: A Blood Money Halloween

Credit to @ReneusMeister for the featured image!

By Lvke Joseph

The WWE and the entertainment arm of the Saudi propaganda machine join forces once again to bring us Crown Jewel 4 in what is bound to be a frightful show. On the day that WWE stock hit its 52-week low they have their most lucrative show of the year. Will it be the blockbuster we have been promised or will this be yet another comedy of errors like the three Saudi Arabia shows that came before it? I have come to expect some top shelf quality botches, mishaps, and crowd apathy. This will be just a rundown of my thoughts as they happen. Show opens with obligatory video package and an insane fireworks display and we are off.

Brock Lesnar vs Cain Velasquez – *

• Punches and kicks to start. We see some clinches as the two trade body shots.

• Kick to the head drops Brock and Cain goes for the kill.

• Brock catches Cain with the Kimura and he taps! It’s over in no time.

• Brock taps out Cain clean in one minute. He just signed with WWE and immediately gets tapped out in the opener. Ouch.

• Brock won’t break the hold and Rey Mysterio uses a chair to stop him.

• Lesner attacks Rey slamming his ass on the apron, that’s going to be a tough flight home for Rey Rey.

• Lesnar continues to assault Velazquez and Mysterio finally chases the Beast off to the comforting arms of Paul Heyman.

• This was very different from anything WWE does. MMA style match that looked pretty legit but did nothing for Velazquez. They had a chance to make a monster even bigger than Lesnar and they don’t pull the trigger, I’m shocked. Sign the guy to a big contract, and immediately make him just another guy on the roster.

-We get some promos from the Revival and War Raiders followed by some WWE Network commercials.

Largest Tag Team Turmoil Match to Determine The Best Tag Team In the World **

That’s a real title card.

• That match name is quite verbose, maybe we can cut that down fellas.

• RooDolph and Lucha House Party start this match, which is also for the World Cup. A lot going on in this one.

• Lucha House party has great double teams, it is a shame they will never be taken seriously.

• Heels control the pace trading rest holds until Lince hits a crossbody and gets the hot tag.

• Metalik runs wild flying all around the ring.

• “This is awesome” chant. It’s not.

• Ziggler hits a superkick while Roode distracts the ref giving Roode the upper hand to hit the implant DDT and pin Metalik.

Hawkins and Ryder out next

• The faces try for a double team Samoan drop blockbuster combo, but Ryder misses and takes a flat back bump, very funny.

• Superkicks from Dolph to the faces followed with a Spinebuster ZigZag combination for the three on Ryder.

Heavy Machinery out next

• The Baddies keep Tucker isolated with kicks and punches.

• Otis gets the tag and gets his tits out. He’s jiggling, dancing, and suplexing. Crowd loves it.

• Compactor on Roode and RooDolph is out of the match.

New Day Big E and Kofi enter next

• Big E shows off his limbo skills and it is seriously impressive. He and Tucker take each other out and make the tags.

• Otis with his second Caterpillar of the match and he’s looking gassed.

• Kofi takes out Otis with Trouble in Paradise which allows them to target Tucker with the assisted Big Ending. That’s all for my boys Heavy Machinery.

The B Team is next up

• Some stuff happens and Big E hits the Big Ending and the B team is out.

The Revival enter next

• Revival control like classic heels, but it’s not slow and boring like Roode and Zig earlier.

• Dawson taunts Kofi while stretching him, shouting, “This is for Xavier! How’s that Achilles?”

• Kofi reverses a suplex into a small package for the 3.

• Revival attack after they are eliminated and hit the Shatter Machine.

Gallows and Anderson Enter next

• They go in for the kill but are rebuffed.

• Nope they weren’t, they hit Magic Killer on Kofi and that’s all for New Day.

The Viking Raiders are the last team to enter

• The teams brawl until The OC can get the upper hand on Eric.

• Ivar gets the cold tag and runs wild finally getting a reaction.

• Finish comes when The OC hit a magic killer on Eric after taking out his knee with the chop block

• The best tag team in the world is officially the OC. So, I don’t know why they bother with tag Championships.

Cesaro vs Mansoor ***3/4

• Mansoor just celebrated his birthday here in his home country.

• Cesaro wearing high water black skinny jeans with jogging shoes and a white belt. Did your Luggage get lost, my man?

• The crowd is very hot for this. This was a smartly placed match after that long match brought the crowd down.

• Mansoor attempts a tope suicida and is clobbered with a European uppercut.

• Cesaro is making this guy look like a pro.

• Crowd is eating up the hometown babyface in peril trope.

• Mansoor getting in well-timed hope spots and even redeems himself by hitting a dive on the outside.

• Mansoor gets a long two count and the crowd is frantic. Another 2 count and Cesaro gets his foot on the ropes and the fans were convinced it was over.

• Cesaro regains control, but can’t keep the youngster down with big moves.

• “This is awesome” chant and this time they aren’t wrong.

• Cesaro attempts a top rope gut wrench suplex and is reversed seamlessly into a sunset flip powerbomb! That was amazing! Incredible move, I love it.

• Mansoor follows up with a moonsault and gets the three. The one time a hometown boy wins a WWE match and it’s in Saudi Arabia. Oh well, at least Cesaro will get out of there alive.

• This really was a very good match, but Cesaro losing to this jabroni makes me sad.

• This was a nice feel good moment as he is clearly very moved and the crowd are genuinely proud.

-Seth Rollins Promo gets boos. Seth is unsettled, but he kind of likes it. A big “He started it” promo and he promises to burn some shit.

Tyson Fury vs Braun Strowman *1/2

• Tyson enters to “It’s Your Thing.”

• Tyson is wearing shirt even though he boxes shirtless of course. Makes it feel low rent in comparison to boxing.

• Fury going for collar and elbow tie ups?

• A roll through kip up looks like maybe the sixth time he’s done that. Braun hits a big boot and Fury takes a pretty poor bump

• Fury using very basic moves and they do not look good, but he is confident and he is trying so it isn’t a total debacle.

• Tyson does the Undertaker sit up throwing back to when he did it in his boxing match earlier this year. Braun immediately stomps him down as the announcers make sure we know that Fury is no Undertaker.

• Tyson punches Braun off the apron and Braun gets counted out. Sigh.

• Cole keeps calling it a TKO. It was clearly a countout.

• Braun slams Fury to get his heat back. Boooo. This sucked.

-They show us a recap of the 24-7 title bullshit from the pre-show which spontaneously leads into a R-Truth segment leading to Samir Singh winning the belt. How serendipitous.

AJ Styles w/ The OC vs Humberto Carillo (who?) For the US Title **

• Aj dominates as the crowd chants his name.

• Humberto connects with some impressive lucha armdrags before Aj cuts him off.

• Crotch chop from AJ to the audience draws boos.

• This match has the same story as the Cesaro match, but the crowd is not invested in Carillo as a babyface and the match isn’t as smooth.

• Carillo is very indy with a lot of unnecessary movements.

• “This is awesome” chant again. This is incorrect again.

• Carillo tweaks his knee and Styles sets his target on the injury. Carillo hits a kick immediately with the injured leg.

• Moonsault attempt by Carillo misses the mark, hurting his knee more. AJ follows up with the Phenomenal Forearm for the win.

• OC goes undefeated tonight.

• Not a very good match. Carillo is green, but he has a lot of potential.

-Byron interviews Hogan. Hogan calls him brother, but then says that’s not right he’s going to call him Beautiful Byron. Cringe. Whatcha gonna do Ric Flair when Hulk Hogan and Saudi Arabia Run wild on that ass?

Natalya vs Lacey Evans First Ever women’s match in Saudi Arabia *3/4

• The Announcers waste no time breaking their arms patting the company on the back.

• They enter in head to toe black covered with a giant sleeping t-shirts.

• Crowd is very respectful and engaged. Another this is awesome chant. They love that chant.

• There are a lot of smiling men in the crowd.

• Sloppy shoulder block “This is Awesome!”

• Action picks up a bit and Natalya looks pretty good by the end.

• Lacey taps to the Sharpshooter and the two raise each other’s hands and hug as they burst into tears.

• Fireworks and they embrace some women in the crowd as the commentary tells us how if you push you can make change. Then they get choked up. Gross.

• A nice moment, but not a good match.

Team Flair- Bobby Lashley, Nakamura, McIntyre, Corbin, Randy Orton vs Team Hogan- Rusev, Ricochet, Shorty G, Ali, Roman Reigns **3/4

• Cole mentions the rivalry dating back to the early nineties in WWF and throughout the 90’s and now its back. No mention of their all-time classic feud in TNA.

• Ricochet is wearing children’s jammies.

• Hogan jerks off his arm in Roman’s direction then waddles out of the ring.

• Gable shows off his amazing wrestling skills before Corbin comes in to ruin the fun.

• At this point the show is really dragging. I cannot focus on this match and my brain keeps slipping into daydream. I just cannot care about this match because it means nothing. I don’t even know if this is elimination or one fall, and I’m at least ten minutes into this match.

• Crowd pops huge for Roman on the hot tag. This is one of the biggest reactions I have ever heard Reigns receive

• Rusev finally gets his hands on Lashley, but Bobby gets the upper hand because Rusev is a Pathetic Loser.

• RKO on Reigns and Flair celebrates, but it’s only a 2 count.

• Team Hogan takes out Team Flair on the outside as Roman hits a spear for the win.

• Hogan wins. Shocking. “The more things change the more they stay the same,” says Byron Saxton. Hogan can’t even do the job by proxy.

• Not a terrible match, but felt like a house show.

Seth Rollins vs Bray Wyatt for the WWE Universal Title, match cannot be stopped for any reason**1/2

• Mixed reaction for Seth. Uh oh, somebody change his Twitter password.

• The Fiend really does have amazing entrance music.

• They are using the terrible red tint again! Did Vince not watch Hell In A Cell?

• Everything Rollins does is either booed or met with silence. The crowd is solidly behind Bray constantly chanting “Yowie Wowie.”

• Fiend no-sells the stomp on the floor then laughs. That move is dead.

• Bray misses a spear and is sent through the guardrail which legitimately terrifies a girl in the crowd causing her to shriek.

• Rollins stacks 2 tables on top of each other on the floor.

• Rollins pull out the sledgehammer and gets booed. Bray stops him before he can swing it.

• Fiend puts himself through the announce table with a missed senton and kicks out at 1.

• Rollins puts Bray on the second commentary table and climbs to the top, but he is cut off and is sent through the stack of tables on the floor.

• Fiend pulls up the mat on the floor exposing the steel grates underneath. Seth avoids Sister Abigail and attacks with the steps. He lands a second curb stomp on the floor and gets a 2 count.

• Sister Abigail on a wooden platform isn’t enough to put away the champ. Another “awesome” chant.

• They brawl up the ramp and Seth is trying to beg off like a true babyface hero.

• A third stomp on the stage and Bray bounces right up. “It’s like the Fiend is impervious to stomps.” That is literally what Corey Graves said.

• Fourth, 5th, 6th, and 7th stomp. No wait, there’s 8.

• 3 Superkicks send Bray into an electrical area and things start exploding and set on fire. Staff come out and use fire extinguishers. Seth investigates and more explosions go off. “My eyes er ma gerd.”

• Bray rises up behind him. So spooky. Mandible claw followed with a Sister Abigail on the floor and The Fiend is the new champ.

• So it appears they pulled that corny HIAC ending not because of some “master plan,” but rather to serve their masters.

• The action was decent, but no selling a knockout 8 damn times is too many. Overall, I did not enjoy this match and was ready for this 3 ½ hour show to finally end. Luckily, they show Bray with the title and send us off with fireworks and a recap video.

Show Overall- Bad

• This was a rough watch. Not good at all. This show dragged and dragged.

• That said, the crowd loved it and as I mentioned at the top it is their most lucrative show of the year.

• With that in mind this was a success in the short term for the company.

• Women wrestling in Saudi Arabia is a big PR win for WWE that they will be spinning for years.

• This wasn’t the botchfest of calamities most of the previous versions, which makes the product look more professional, but also makes the shows much more boring without the unintentional humor sprinkled in.

• Even with the short-term success, this show did not do much to help the creative direction of the product.

• They managed to make Cain look weak in minutes, OC is the best in the world for winning a gauntlet that wasn’t for the tag belts. Cesaro lost to a nobody, AJ beat a nobody, Braun got KTFO by a non-wrestler and lost by countout. Seth Rollin’s finishers have no credibility and he is booed.

• At least they put the belt on Bray and didn’t give us yet another non-finish.

• And let’s not forget that Hogan made a black friend.

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